Learning

O.k. So this second verse comes early by seven days, but it is the one the I NEED, and so I am committing to it today. Let me explain why. I am a school teacher. I can't say that I always wanted to be from the time I was little, although I did play endless hours of school as a child ... as we all did. I was actually a young adult when I suddenly realized that I wanted to be a teacher. It was an idea that consumed me as soon as it occurred to me, and with in a year I was in school to become one. I just knew that it was what God wanted me to do. It was so crystal clear.

Fast forward 20 years. I have been teaching at the same inner-city school in Phoenix for over 15 years. I still feel that it is what God wants me to do, although I (at times) wonder how I can bear it much longer. (Not that I would quit teaching, as I still have a peace that it is what I am gifted and lead to do, but that I would move districts.) You see No Child Left Behind, paired with Arizona's current laws that mandate how children are to be assigned to classrooms according to their language level, has made it incredibly stressful. (Did I mention that I teach second language learners? I have the low intermediate group of kids.) The expectations on us are high. State testing and labeling is looming in the near future. The State Department of Education comes through our rooms ... clipboards in hand. We are chasing a moving target, are working harder than we ever have, and are constantly having to find ways to give even more. Now all of this is not bad. In fact it does have its benefits. I feel challenged, I have to self evaluate and keep improving and learning, I have become a skilled teacher. But ... I also feel defeated when my kids are not scoring high enough, feel disheartened when the 3rd grade level assessments do not reflect the improvement that I know they have made, and feel tired when it seems that my job is never done.

So why don't I move? The kids. They need teachers who are called to them. If education were a mission field (which I would say it is ... at least mine) they are my "people group." The group that my heart is drawn to. I know that I am in the "right place." I just am not sure that I have the "right attitude." If God indeed did place me here for these little ones that are so precious to Him, then why do I feel and act so frustrated and downtrodden? Why do I feel like the "other team" is winning? Why do I find myself frequently visiting a place of disappointment and irritation?

A friend at school told me that "I had God on my side" and that "I could do it." It was comforting at the time, but was comfort turned conviction later the next day. Did I have God on my side in what I perceive as a battle? Yes, of course. He is always there for us. He is our help! (Yes, Drea ... I am also stepping up and working on the Psalm for Stepping Up!) But, was I on God's side in it? Let's just change one word. Was I along side God in it? Or, have I started to see this as my problem, my burden, my challenge, etc. And in doing so, have I redressed myself in robes of behavior marked with a hardening heart, impatient tendencies, and pride. (Yes, I say pride because I don't want people to see that my kids are so behind ... I don't want people to think badly of my teaching.) And so I work even harder to make sure that I help my kids to learn. But are they mine? Or are they God's? Am I in teaching for myself? Or am I in it for God? Am I doing this on my own strengths? Or am I leaning on my creator to create the strength that I need? Did I create the spiritual gifting that drives me to do this? Or is a gift bestowed on me by God? All of these thoughts flowed through my mind, heart, and spirit ... and I began to see that I was not standing behind God in this struggle, but rushing infront trying to fix, that which I was not meant to do alone.

So what are my next steps? Pray? (I do do that, although I could be more specific for the individual needs of my students ... maybe I will make a prayer list for them by name.) Set it down at His feet? Yes, I know that is right ... but what exactly was I to lay down? My pride? Yes. My desire to do this on my own merit? Yes. But, there was something I was missing. Something that I did not realize until I happened upon the following verse ... my attitude. So Colossians 3:12 is what I will be memorizing. It says:

Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].

I will blog later about what I am already seeing as applications for me in this Please continue to pray for me as God and I continue this journey. I have a feeling that this will be easier to memorize than to apply. :o)

May God's hand be upon you, and His light shine through you.

Lisa

P.S. To that friend who said "You can do it ... You have God on your side." ... thank you! I am glad that we are becoming friends. You blessed me. :o)