A Little Too Much Me

I was listening to a Sermon yesterday and the Pastor was talking about letting God permeate all of your life. How He must be the center and all things us must be wrapped around and flow through Him, that His glory might be know to others ... to the nations ... to the lost that do not know Him yet. His graphic organizer of this was a set of concentric circles with God at the middle, and I as I sat looking at that set of nested circles I began to see how much like an onion I am and how much more there is that I have not surrendered. I can look at the layers on the floor and call them by name ... my children, my marriage, my work, my tongue, my health and so on. It is easy to look at the pile and remember the sometimes painful separations as these layers were peeled from me through times of deep learning and relinquished to my King ... mine and no longer mine ... these area's of my life are such blessings to me now. It is easy to forget that there is still so much more to me on the cutting board. The deeper, inner parts still so tightly bound to each other that I am not even sure how to call them by name. What are these parts that I have yet to surrender, and why do I tense up a little at the thought of doing so. Why does the idea of surrender bring trepidation, when the result brings such peace? I don't think it is the letting go. I don't think it is the fear that the Lord will be surprised or wouldn't want to the part that I am giving. I don't think it is the fear of having those deepest parts named and revealed. I think it is more a desire to not loose myself, an innate instinct to preserve self ... combined with an ominous fear over just how much is left hidden in reserve if I did daily ask the Lord to take every peace of me ... to peal back layers one by one ... carving daily a piece of self that I might get to the heart of all those circles.

How funny is it that my human response to surrender focuses on and responds to the process or surrender versus the rewards? Intellectually I get it, intellectually I want it ... but, my heart lingers pulled in a daily tug-of-war to surrender or to control. What I do know is the LORD is firm in His stance. He wants me all ... every layer surrendered. He is not a God of pieces ... He is a God of all or nothing ... black or white ... and although He is patient and waits for our hearts to align to His will ... he will not settle for anything but everything. It all comes down to daily surrender ... beginning with praying daily that He would show me that which I am holding onto ... that He would ask and take each layer ... naming it ... claiming it ... and receiving it for His glory. By daily praying for less of me, and more of Him. By willing releasing my grasp on control and letting Him have His will, with me standing in the middle of it ... instead of opposition to it.

We all have these layers. Layers that are too cherished. Layers that are too painful to release. Layers that are too comfortable. Layers that feel like they would just tear our world in two if we just gave in. Hurts that are held to long, when forgiveness feels like to big a pill to swallow. Areas of pride, that bring selfish pleasure ... rather than eternal glory. Addictions, gossip, the glittery trappings of the world, big things, little things ... things named and unnamed. I think the overwhelming fear is not that God would not take them and relieve us of them ... but that He would.

Oh Lord, search me and expose me. Call to my heart, mind, and soul the desire to let go ... to die daily in self ... to stand in your will when it comes to surrender instead of opposition. Bring me to a daily understanding of what it means to really belong to you ...

Lisa