When God Says Unpack

Although it is true that it is time for a memory verse ... and I do have one ... I would like to take pause and go in a different direction. I am currently at our church's woman's retreat. The theme this year is: The Journey ... and the Journey started when I got here. Within minutes of arriving, my suitcase literally opened up and spilled out out its contents - laying out in front of everyone all my stuff. I tried desperately to grasp each and every item and cram them back in, but as I did ... even more spilled out. It was absolutely horrifying, and it brought me to tears. I could not believe the things that were being revealed ... to be honest I did not even remember packing some of them. I felt so vulnerable and raw.

You see, it was not my physical suitcase that spilled out, but my emotional one. God, in His infinite grace and fatherly love, expertly lanced the suitcase of my emotions and beliefs, my heart ... and let all the packed away "junk" spill out. Six years ago, I had cancer. Six years ago, I lost my long, thick hair ... my metabolism ... my eyebrows ... the ability to grow healthy, long nails ... and more. Six years ago, my body took a huge hit. I survived, even flourished. God took something tragic and grew me in ways that I never knew were possible. We walked hand in hand through the fires of cancer ... and I knew who I was in Him. It was an amazing journey, but there were scars ... physical and emotional. You see, the physical scars are daily reminders that of what I have lost. My self-esteem ... once freed from vanity ... has been smoldering in the depths of my heart for the last six years. I have been nursing insecurities about the physical scars of my journey with cancer ... and they have indeed grown. I thought I had it under control though. I thought it was no big deal. But I was wrong.

From the moment I Got here God has been talking to me. He has bound my hands from re-packing these thoughts and has brought them into the light. He has shown me that they are in the truest sense as much of a cancer as the physical cancer that bore them. Every time I look in the mirror and tell myself how unattractive I look now ... every time I look at my now thin hair and fel shame and discontent ... every time I delete the pictures of myself from my camera because I am embarrassed to have others see me captured for eternity ... I feed this cancer of insecurity. Worse yet, I open my heart to the lies that Satan whispers into my bruised spirit and call them truth.

This weekend God has clearly said, "Enough!" He has brought my brokeness to the surface in a place of retreat ... where I am safe. He has kept me raw ... and has shown me each lie ... bringing it right before my eyes ... showing me (through the caring words of friends that are here with me) that my thoughts do not reflect the truth of how He sees me. Instead, they tear down and destroy what God has created in me ... the woman that He birthed from the cancer.

Each year, we get a word. A word to think about ... to meditate on. Mine this year was "Pure." The verse that was with it was: "Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God" (Matthew 5:8 NIV). In thinking about this word, it has become clear to me that the thoughts that I hold against myself are impure. That they consume my heart, and in reality harden it. God wants my heart to be His dwelling place ... not a dwelling place for self. A while back the following verse was one of my memory verses:

Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the LORD loves
rests between his shoulders."
—Deuteronomy 33:12

I did not know it then, but it was in preparation for this day. You see, God is not leaving me on my knees grasping to pick up my scattered emotions and beliefs ... instead He has extended His hand to me ... inviting me to climb up onto His shoulders and rest. The journey to seeing me as God sees me is one that I am sure will take some time. It means letting go. It means dying to self. It means letting Him shield me ... even when it means He is shielding me from myself.

Lisa