Admitting

It is the 6th of February and I am compelled to share what God has shown me. Flash back to the first post where I shared about not being able to memorize things and how I had used that as an excuse for not memorizing Scripture for years. Remember how He revealed within days that I could memorize, placing it in my heart without me even really trying to memorize it? Things were looking so promising. I was so excited. Then can week two. God just a quickly revealed to me a verse and how it applied to me. Long post ... long two weeks ... and before I knew it, it was the 15th and it was time for my next verse. The only problem being that I had yet to even write my verse on a card, let alone actually spend time with it.

Fast forward to my class last Friday. We HAD to have a heart to heart. They were turning in work that looked like it had been done by chimpanzees .... holding pencils in their mouths to write. They were not reading directions. They were not checking their work. They were not doing what they needed to do to make sure that they were successful. I was FRUSTRATED! I do every thing I can to make sure that they can do the work! I don't give them anything that is too hard ... anything that I have not first taught them. I explained to them that they had a choice to make, and that they were simply being flojo. (Lazy in Spanish.) I talked with them, I talked with the parents, and things are better this week. They are trying harder and putting forth a great deal of effort. I have assured them that they will see the fruits of their labor.

Like any teacher, I have spent some time reflecting on the situation in my room and what my part was in it. It was in this reflection time that I once again felt that hair raising feeling when you know that you are about to have the ugly truth revealed to you. I knew right away what that truth was going to be. I knew that word that was going to race through my spirit and land right in my heart. Floja. (Lazy in Spanish if you are talking about a girl.) Right away I got a little defensive ... right away I had a little talk with God about it ... I spoke for both of us ... meaning I did not actually hear His voice, but this is what I could imagine Him saying ...

"I learned the first one."
"I gave you the first one."
"It was too long this time ..."
"I have written longer."
"But the first one was shorter. If this one had been short I would have memorized it, too."
"Child I gave you the longer one so that you would have to work for it. I wanted it to cost you a little time, require a little effort ... I wanted you to see the fruits of your effort."
"This is all new for me."
"It is not new for you. I have taught you how to do this. We have done it together. I have given you the tools. You did not use them."
"It takes a long time to memorize ... I have so much on my plate."
"It is a matter of commitment ... You have a choice to make. You had time for me when you had cancer. You chose to sit at my feet. You chose me. You chose. Choose now."

I could have gone on, but I think it is right to leave it with Him having the last word on this. I do have a choice, but all TOO often I choose the complete opposite of what I should be doing. This is not a new concept ... I eat seed. I admitted that in my very first blog. I was a little naive to believe that all the weeks would be like the first. That week God was teaching me His provision. He provided me with the ability to memorize. Now he is teaching me something else. I need to choose. There will be a choice made. I will choose Him OR I will choose something else. But there is a choice to make. Also, making that choice once does not work for me. I need to make that choice every day ... many times every day ... many, many times every day. I already have His provision. I have the tools to use. Now it is time to learn to choose daily. (OK .. Luke 9:23 is crashing down upon me as I type this ... Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross DAILY and follow me.") When reading it, the word that popped out at me was the word deny, so I looked it up in Strong's and found the following definition (which I expected): not to accept, to reject, to refuse something offered ... AND these (which I did not) 1. to disregard his own interests or to prove false to himself ... and 2. act entirely unlike himself.

It is time to disregard my own interests and act entirely unlike myself. It is time to deny myself whatever is getting in the way of me committing to this journey ... to spending time with God. It is time to choose to choose.

I will post my new verse when I have my 2nd one memorized. I have a little make-up work to do. Looks like I am in for Lunch Bunch ... just like my students. :)

Lisa